Please Don’t Feed the Machine

March 14th, 2010

copierRead Before Touching the Machine (Copier):

  1. Do not top off the paper in the paper trays. By doing so you are putting new paper on top of old paper, which is like throwing good money after bad. Let the tray empty completely so that it will run out in the middle of the next copy job. Or put new paper under the old paper without getting your finger oils on the paper, allowing any part of the paper to bend, or any single sheet to come out of alignment with the rest of the stack, which will jam the machine (copier).
  2. The paper wrappers are plastic coated, shielding the paper from changes in humidity. This safety feature is designed to protect them from idiots like you who want to leave the paper out in the open, exposed to the elements, ruining any chance you had of successfully running them through the machine (copier) without breaking it. If you had any sense you’d place only full reams of paper in the paper tray, not paper that has been sitting out because some other nimrod broke the seal.
  3. Never reuse paper that has gone through the machine (copier). Once the machine (copier) has seen a particular sheet of paper, it is hyper-sensitized to that page and will recognize its re-introduction immediately, causing a total machine meltdown. If the machine (copier) goes into meltdown mode, step back at least forty paces from the machine (copier) and call your authorized dealer. A trained representative will come to your building within the next thirty days. In the meantime, keep sharp and flammable objects away from the machine (copier).
  4. Make sure all levers are latched before attempting to use the machine (copier). If they are not latched properly, the machine (copier) will jam. If a door does not close, a lever is not latched. Why were you opening the door anyway? You would not have needed to unlatch any of those levers, had you followed the directions above. Now that you caused the damage, you ought to do your best to minimize harm. Follow the forty step directions indicated on the warning panel in the precise order instructed. As you track the misfed paper through the innards of the machine (copier), remember that knobs 1a, 2c, 2d, 5b, 7a, 7c, and 11e all rotate clockwise only; 1b, 6a, 6f, and 11a rotate both directions depending on the location of the jam; the rest turn counter-clockwise, or towards you, and are clearly labeled with arrows so you really shouldn’t be so confused. Levers 3b, 4a, 4b, 4c, 10d, and 13b snap up, while levers 1b, 3c, 5a, and 5f need to be squeezed to disengage. Under no circumstances should you touch area 8 as super-heated ink will spray out and we cannot be responsible for any injuries caused by mishandling of the machine (copier).
  6. Have a nice day.

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